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Random, and probably whiny

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[29 May 2013|07:31pm]
& it's like any effort I do put in goes to waste, but you can't trust Ryan to get anything done professionally.
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lift me up...keep in mind when it seems impossible [17 May 2013|10:53pm]
it's hard to think that the good can outweigh the bad when the bad becomes so crushing and takes over. the bad is more prominent than the good right now, that's for sure.

but people are concerned even though I haven't gone to them for help. they come to me. that makes me cry so hard. THEY come to ME.

Ive never relied on people like this. I hate doing it, but really, I've learned who is REALLY there. I am not able to give anything at all back as a friend, daughter, girlfriend, or anything, but there are still people who give me all the love and help that they can anyway. with nothing in return. I am overwhelmed, both at how sad ive become and that there are this many people to lift me up. like Jackie, even though we hardly see one another, I really feel like I could ask her for ANYTHING and she'd help me. what a lucky person I am. what a support system.

of course dave and mom, more than anyone, because it's affected their daily lives. dave literally always says the right thing. mom never gives up even though ive been angry all of the time and she has to put up with it every day, take me snapping at her, and hear my crying every day.
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:/ [19 Mar 2013|12:52am]
[ mood | worried ]

late at night, worried again. i have a neurologist appt tomorrow, after a few months of general bloodwork at a regular doctor where everything turned up normal. i dont know if i want them to find something tmrw, (so i know what's been causing these random pains and everything) or not (because i dont want it to be something bad). im tired of being in bed, sick of being tired, want to be able to work more often and see people like i used to. it's almost disabling. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. unlike my normal 'me', i'm totally in a pitying myself stage. it's been too long that i've been feeling like this w/no answers.

i don't know if it's crazy for me to feel this way, but in the back of my mind, i really think this could be MS. makes the most sense to me. i shouldn't worry about it before a doctor checks things out, and i've been avoiding webMB, but it's hard NOT to wonder what could be causing this when it's constant pain and it's ruining things in my life. i feel good about where i am in life aside from this, but it's hard to ignore this one thing because it's physical. it affects work, family, friends, plans.

i'm just worried... in my mind, tomorrow has the potential to be a life-changing day :/ :( we'll see how it goes.

i take it back... i hope that they don't find anything at all and that we have to look elsewhere. maybe it's migraines and something else that's not brain/nerve related. it's a really scary thing to think that they're going to look at my brain to try to find something. ugh. this is really messing with my head, too, and distracting me. it's hard to get anything done.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. that's why i'm get to upset about this. i don't even know if it's sad or fed up or confused or what. i think it's just hopeless. what more can i do? in the meantime, i'm sitting here unable to live life like i used to.

if anyone still reads LJ, dont worry. ive been to a doctor a few times, and everything seems fine. my heart is okay, my blood is okay. something weird is going on, but it could just be something little. they're ruling things out, so the neurologist is another thing to try. lots of people get brain scans for little things like headaches. i'm just especially nervous about it because this has been going on for so long. and like i said, i can't help but wonder sometimes what could be causing this. that gets me into trouble. i wish i could go to sleep without worry.

and thank god for dave. i hate relying on somebody because i've literally never done that before, not with any friend, except maybe with my parents. i never needed to, and i feel 'broken,' which i hate. but i need some reassurance right now, and he listens to me bitch about the same things and asks how i am and tries to figure things out. he always, ALWAYS has the perfect response and never stops trying to make me feel better...at the same time, he doesnt try too hard. he's what i NEED right now, as much as i hate to admit it. i've never relied on somebody before. i don't know how he's not sick of it. it sucks bringing him down with me...not fair for him.

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[21 Jun 2012|03:56pm]
I'm sick of people thinking that they know what's best for me.

What's best for me is to have my own ideas and thoughts, go with them, and make mistakes.
You don't know me well enough to try to tell me what to do.
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[07 Apr 2012|05:13pm]
i feel like i was really starting to get my life in order in GR. i sort of knew who i was, knew where i wanted to be, who i wanted in my life, what was important and how to get to it. now, im starting from point A all over again on the east side and i HATE it. i guess it's time to re-evaluate again?

i don't want to get trapped.

can't wait to see mary p today for her little birthday :)
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[27 Mar 2012|08:56pm]
other life goal: own a ms pac man machine
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what to do? [04 Mar 2012|02:38pm]
I've never felt so alone in my life.
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[22 Feb 2012|01:04am]
im so willful.
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[06 Feb 2012|07:22pm]

moment of silence for this. makes you question a lot.
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[24 Jan 2012|03:35am]
i'm tired of people telling me how to live my life and making me question and over-analyze what could be simple feelings. i don't WANT a boyfriend, i'd prefer to do things on my own for now. what is so wrong about that? that's just how it is.

i am not crazy for anybody. i'm not (terribly) scared. people are putting words in my mouth and making me feel bad and even guilty for something that isn't a problem.

ugh. this doesn't make me a bad person, it makes them dumb.
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CHERYL! [16 Dec 2011|11:38am]
I am going to miss you SO much :( See you on the East side, at least for a little!

Love you. I am so proud of everything you've done at GV!
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[11 Dec 2011|09:36pm]
I graduated!! Just wanted to write it so I'll remember :)
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Tonight, we are young...So let's set the world on fire, we can burn brighter than the sun [05 Dec 2011|08:03pm]
Today: major girl problems, TONS of final projects to work on, my favorite jeans ripped.

lol but now that that bullshit's out of the way...

This just is such a bummer, leaving GR.

Maybe it's because I know that I'm leaving, but... I really feel that things are finally fitting exactly into place over here. It took a while to feel as though this city was my own. And I understand myself so much better than I did when I first got here (Thank you, GR, for that!), I wish I could take this person to explore even more in this city. I can appreciate it more now, I think.

I want to hang out at the Pyramid Scheme & play games at Stellas. I want to meet up w/that guy & mess around, I want to be independent, I want to take the time and enjoy my friendships, I want to go to class! That's the weirdest realization: Even class is so much better. I never liked my program (still don't, I guess), but the people this semester are so much better than the ones that graduated last semester.

Everything really is fitting perfectly, right where it should be. This sounds dramatic, but I feel like I'm being ripped away from it. This love for this time in my life and GR in general, it's going to make it so much harder to leave than if I had left last year.

Hopefully I can find my way back.

& hopefully I can start to see this as a way to start a new, exiciting opportunity!
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[04 Dec 2011|01:59pm]
Motivation, such an aggravation.
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[01 Dec 2011|06:36pm]
[ mood | for realz. ]

To my girl friends, 2 of which will read this & caused this thought:

How dare he make you feel like needing reassurance is a fault! Everybody wants to be loved. There is no need to blame yourself for that. And you deserve somebody who will reassure you each and every day w/his words and actions.

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the way i was raised [21 Nov 2011|08:44pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

I have never felt so judged, and especially by somebody who I care about. People make mistakes and I am glad that I make them. They're part of me and part of the process. I don't feel like I did anything wrong (Maybe 2 yrs ago, but not now). And if you do, DON'T talk about it behind my back. I guess that this is further proof that things just change. It's not the same, and it won't be.

There are going to be things in the future that I want to tell somebody about and share w/you and it's sad that it can't be you anymore. I would've liked that. I counted on that.

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[14 Nov 2011|05:02pm]
I feel like I'm in an arranged marriage.
I like to be single, and I don't want to date your friend. Or your friend's friend. Or your friend's dog's previous owner's ex-husband.

... It's weird how I used let people walk all over me. But then started giving people an element of honesty. Now, I'm both too blunt AND too empathetic :P How does THAT Work? Also, how does the super quiet yet super obnoxious thing happen? I am a walking contradition.

[I'm okay with it :)]

We're learning about Camus in PHI class, and I think that guy had the most excellent ideas!
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Stranger danger [08 Nov 2011|11:06pm]
This is a good time in my life :) The magazine, graduation, best friend ever, a sudden influx of guys wanting to chat. And what the heck did I do to deserve so many great people in my life?

Nervous for graduation though-- Moving home is going to be SUCH a transition and I'll have to re-find myself. Damn, I was just starting to figure it out here :) :P

Many mistakes made this semester, but I'm okay with it.
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[02 Nov 2011|01:33am]
Today is Kate's birthday. I didn't think it would upset me that much, but it is a lot to grasp still and as soon as it showed up on FB, I got a lump in my throat. We weren't THAT close, but she is the one who convinced me to go to school & I just... always thought she'd be there. Same w/Dave. & I know that it's only gonna get harder as time goes on and those closest to me age. Sad part of life.

I'll be thinking of you today, Kate.
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[24 Oct 2011|09:18pm]
Mary is coming to visit this weekend :)
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