Random, and probably whiny (wildncrazygurl) wrote,
Random, and probably whiny
wildncrazygurl

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:/

late at night, worried again. i have a neurologist appt tomorrow, after a few months of general bloodwork at a regular doctor where everything turned up normal. i dont know if i want them to find something tmrw, (so i know what's been causing these random pains and everything) or not (because i dont want it to be something bad). im tired of being in bed, sick of being tired, want to be able to work more often and see people like i used to. it's almost disabling. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. unlike my normal 'me', i'm totally in a pitying myself stage. it's been too long that i've been feeling like this w/no answers.

i don't know if it's crazy for me to feel this way, but in the back of my mind, i really think this could be MS. makes the most sense to me. i shouldn't worry about it before a doctor checks things out, and i've been avoiding webMB, but it's hard NOT to wonder what could be causing this when it's constant pain and it's ruining things in my life. i feel good about where i am in life aside from this, but it's hard to ignore this one thing because it's physical. it affects work, family, friends, plans.

i'm just worried... in my mind, tomorrow has the potential to be a life-changing day :/ :( we'll see how it goes.

i take it back... i hope that they don't find anything at all and that we have to look elsewhere. maybe it's migraines and something else that's not brain/nerve related. it's a really scary thing to think that they're going to look at my brain to try to find something. ugh. this is really messing with my head, too, and distracting me. it's hard to get anything done.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. that's why i'm get to upset about this. i don't even know if it's sad or fed up or confused or what. i think it's just hopeless. what more can i do? in the meantime, i'm sitting here unable to live life like i used to.

if anyone still reads LJ, dont worry. ive been to a doctor a few times, and everything seems fine. my heart is okay, my blood is okay. something weird is going on, but it could just be something little. they're ruling things out, so the neurologist is another thing to try. lots of people get brain scans for little things like headaches. i'm just especially nervous about it because this has been going on for so long. and like i said, i can't help but wonder sometimes what could be causing this. that gets me into trouble. i wish i could go to sleep without worry.

and thank god for dave. i hate relying on somebody because i've literally never done that before, not with any friend, except maybe with my parents. i never needed to, and i feel 'broken,' which i hate. but i need some reassurance right now, and he listens to me bitch about the same things and asks how i am and tries to figure things out. he always, ALWAYS has the perfect response and never stops trying to make me feel better...at the same time, he doesnt try too hard. he's what i NEED right now, as much as i hate to admit it. i've never relied on somebody before. i don't know how he's not sick of it. it sucks bringing him down with me...not fair for him.
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